A look into the private journal of the Batman:

Woke up this morning still in my Batsuit. Man, I was wasted last night. I don’t even know how I got back into the Batcave. I’m sure Alfred had something to do with it. I really don’t want to hear his guilt-trip bullsh*t this morning. Especially after all the times I’ve caught him smashed off his ass on “cooking sherry” in the kitchen.

This goddamn Batcowl is killing me. I really need to invest in something that doesn’t make my head feel like it’s wrapped in a lead peanut shell. What the hell was I thinking when I came up with this stupid thing? Of course Catwoman was making fun of it last night at the party. She is never going to leave me alone about the pointy ears things. She kept trying to stick frickin’ hors d’oeuvers on them all night. I must have walked around for 20 goddamned minutes before someone told me I had a crab puff stuck on the tip of my left bat ear. Whatta b*tch! Robin thought it was hilarious of course. What the hell is wrong with that kid? He better not go villain on me or I swear I will kick his ass all the way to Metropolis.

I gotta get me a couple more Batsuits anyway. This one is all wrinkled and stained with what I think is champagne… it better f*ckin’ be champagne! My other suit is still getting repaired from my last fight with the Riddler. When is that guy going to come out of the closet anyway? I bet he wouldn’t do half the crazy sh*t he does if he would just finally admit it. I mean who does he really think he’s fooling with that skin-tight bright green leotard he’s always wearing? He looks like a gay irish ballet dancer. F*ckin’ ridiculous. I hope he keeps his crazy on a leash today ‘cuz I know he’s just going to make fun of this wrinkled Batsuit if I have to face off with him again. Now that I think about it, maybe him and the Joker should hook up. Together they’d be like a super-villian gay pride parade. Jesus christ, why do I always get the crazy flamboyant queens? Superman doesn’t have this problem, the arrogant pr*ck.

Ah hell, I better get out of bed and pretend I have a life. This Batsuit stinks like a wet car tire. More later.