A look into the private journal of the Batman:

I got home late again tonight. Like I pretty much do every night. But tonight I had Vicki Vale staying over. She’s been here pretty much every day this week. I tried hinting that maybe she should… you know… think about going home or whatever. But she always just disappears off into some wing of the house I never go in to. Ya know, Alfred never told me this but apparently I own an extensive collection of “Heroes of the Confederacy” Commemorative Plates. It turns out there is a room in the South Wing that’s full of them! I have GOT to get a new auditor to go through what Alfred does around here all day. I swear he’s just watching the home shopping channel wasting my money.

So I get back tonight and Vicki immediately starts in with the “What did you do all night that you have to come in at 4am? Who were you with?” yadda yadda yadda. Geez, I make one wise remark about Catwoman’s skin tight costume and I get the stink eye every time Vicki thinks I might have come across her. Nevermind the fact that I stopped Scarecrow from poisoning the Gotham Reservoir AGAIN or that the other night I prevented the Penguin from kidnapping the mayor’s son. Oh no, I’ll never hear a word about that! But if Catwoman so much as breathes in my direction, I never hear the end of it. “You’re not REALLY out there doing a damn thing! You’re just using it as an excuse to play perverted superhero bondage games with that slut!” Seriously!? I gotta listen to this after a night of getting my ass kicked by 30 guys dressed in Penguin suits?

If it isn’t that she’s laying in to me about how we never spend any time together. I’m always off doing this or that and if I really cared I’d give her some of my time instead of these freakshow villians she thinks I’m obsessed with. “Do I have to dress up as a Lizard Woman to get your attention!?” she says. For cryin’ out loud, Vicki, do you think I WANT freaky Lizard dudes biting my arm and dislocating my shoulder! Someone’s gotta stop these guys. The freakin’ cops ain’t gonna do it. No offense to Gordon but it’ll be a hot day up Iceman’s ass before I trust the Gotham police to do a goddamn thing right around here. If it weren’t for me, her precious jewelry stores would be burned down to the ground several times over, not to mention the whole city blowing up or getting laughing gas in their food or whatever psycho nightmare comes up this week. So some respect, babe! I mean come on!

Well I better go. She’ll be knocking on the Batcave door any minute now wondering why I’m taking so long. I never should have showed here where that door was. Oh yea, that’s right. I didn’t! Alfred did! Sonuvabitch. More later…



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